3 red flags that signal a wedding vendor may not understand your needs as an LGBTQ+ couple

As if wedding planning isn’t stressful enough, for LGBTQ+ couples, it can prove extra complicated and emotionally draining. Despite the legalization of same-sex marriage in 2015, LGBTQ+ couples still face discrimmination and homophobic language during the wedding planning process, and often from the place you wouldn’t expect it: the wedding professionals themselves. Wedding vendors in many areas of the U.

S. are overwhelmingly supportive of same-sex couples, but there are other cases that are just the opposite. LGBTQ+ couples still interact with wedding vendors that are just not accepting of couples like them .

Insider spoke to Emily Monus , a New York-based wedding planner that specializes in LGBTQ+ weddings, and Kirsten Palladino, the co-founder and creative director of Equally Wed , about what couples should look for when choosing their wedding vendors. When hiring a wedding vendor, Monus recommends scrolling through the company’s Instagram page or photos on their website to see examples of their typical clientele. Most wedding professionals post images of their past work and blogs about their now-married couples.

Monus explained that a common red flag is the lack of LGBTQ+ couples in the imagery. “If all I see are cis, heterosexual, white people on someone’s profile, this may not be the right vendor,” Monus said of working with LGBTQ+ couples. Of course, she added, a business may be accepting even if their social media doesn’t indicate as such.

But an important aspect to the LGBTQ+ community is to make inclusivity a priority. For Palladino, that means posting same-sex couples outside of June, for Pride Month. “It needs to be consistent, not just popping up in June,” Palladino said.

“I’m still queer in December. Are you welcoming me into your business at that time?” Palladino warned against vendors that use stock photos of LGBTQ+ couples instead of real couples from past weddings. Stock images can feel fake whereas actual couples feel more representative of reality, she said.

“Everybody in the queer community has already seen that photo a hundred times,” she said of stock images, adding that it’s important to use “authentic LGBTQ+ people. ” The language on a vendor’s online platforms will also indicate how inclusive they are, especially when it comes to wedding planning. As both Monus and Palladino pointed out to Insider, much of the language that is traditionally used around weddings is very gendered.

Words like “bride,” “groom,” and “bridal party” are all cis and heteronormative. Using them makes members of the LGBTQ+ community feel excluded. “It’s not enough to be friendly when somebody walks through your door; you also need to use the language that resonates with them,” Palladino said of why the language matters.

To help vendors better understand LGBTQ+ couples, she created a glossary of inclusive language for Equally Wed. See what language a wedding business uses, Palladino said. For example, if your only option on an inquiry or intake form is to list the names of a “bride” and “groom,” it may indicate a company isn’t used to working with queer couples.

Look instead for vendors that use words like “partners,” “couple,” and “wedding party. ” That goes for pronouns too. If a vendor doesn’t ask about your preferred pronouns, it may indicated they are not as familiar with non-cis-gendered couples.

Monus and Palladino recommend that all vendors transition to using the word “marriers” instead of bride or groom , as it’s a more inclusive term for engaged couples, even if they are heterosexual. “If you can be inclusive, why wouldn’t you be?” Monus said. “It just makes things better for everybody.

” Monus said she is not against religion, but she has correllated overtly religious messaging on a vendor’s website and social media with a red flag for LGBTQ+ couples. “Overly religious statements sometimes put me off because so much of the hate that LGBTQ people receive is from conservative [religious groups],” Monus said. Specifically, statements that present marriage as a union only between a man and a woman would be a signal a same-sex couple may not want to work with a vendor, Monus told Insider.

“Wedding vendors say things like, ‘the bond between a man and a woman is sacred,'” she said. “Any language where it’s exclusively saying ‘between men and women’, I immediately would be turned off. ” Both Monus and Palladino recommend surrounding yourself with wedding vendors who make you feel seen and heard.

“If you’re a queer couple and seeing the same language over and over again, you start to feel defeated, like this isn’t for me,” Monus said. “It’s supposed to be fun and exciting. ” Palladino also advised to look for vendors who go the extra mile when it comes to inclusivity, such as ensuring a venue has a gender-neutral bathroom or an emcee who doesn’t address your guests as “ladies and gentlemen,” no matter how your guests identify.

“Even if no one in the LGBTQ+ community is coming to your wedding, every inclusive action that you take has a ripple effect on our community,” Palladino said, to which Monus added: “We fought really hard to get to this place, and it’s important that we make everyone feel included. “.