What I’ve Learned About Communication Through My Negotiation Experience

Consumer Tech What I’ve Learned About Communication Through My Negotiation Experience Quora Contributor Opinions expressed by Forbes Contributors are their own. New! Follow this author to stay notified about their latest stories. Got it! Aug 21, 2022, 08:00pm EDT | New! Click on the conversation bubble to join the conversation Got it! Share to Facebook Share to Twitter Share to Linkedin silhouette of young designer team standing with a white blank screen laptop and notebook in hands .

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getty What have you learned about communication through your experience as a negotiator? originally appeared on Quora : the place to gain and share knowledge, empowering people to learn from others and better understand the world. Answer by Mark Goulston, world’s leading healthy conflict coach, speaker, author, on Quora : I have learned that whoever you’re in communication with, they are always listening FOR something underneath their listening TO you. And even when they’re doing the talking, when they’re finished, they’re listening for something in your response.

If you can shift your focus from what you’re saying or even what they’re saying to what they might be listening for and then focus on that with an enthusiastic, beginner’s mind, or what I refer to as “Purposeful Agendaless Listening” (putting aside your personal agenda). This is especially helpful when you’re in a conversation that starts to go badly. Rather than playing into the escalation that is happening, say, “Can we pause for a moment? I have a sense that you were listening for something and you didn’t hear it.

In fact, I’m guessing we even moved further away from it than when we began and that might be contributing to your appearing frustrated. What exactly were you listening for and even hoping to get from this conversation, because it actually might be something we can address in a constructive way and maybe turn around it going into a negative place?” MORE FOR YOU Google Issues Warning For 2 Billion Chrome Users Forget The MacBook Pro, Apple Has Bigger Plans Google Discounts Pixel 6, Nest & Pixel Buds In Limited-Time Sale Event Then, if they answer have them tell you more by focusing on emotional laden words, hyperbole and increased intonation and when they finish, say to them, “Say more about the (awful, amazing, terrible, always, never or whatever word or phrase they used). ” As they get more of that off their chest without you taking offense, they will hopefully begin to calm down.

Then ask them, “Can you tell my why that is so important for me to understand or agree with?” Hopefully they say even more and calm down more. Then say, “This is much too important (which is a word that flatters and disarms most people) for me to have misunderstood anything you said and why it’s important. Let me run it by you just to see if I got it right and please correct me if I got it wrong” (and then say it back to them slowly).

Using the flattering word “important” and then saying you want to make sure you didn’t understand them and then asking them to listen to you, will calm them down even further. That’s because when people listen, it often lessens their agitation whereas when they talk, it can sometimes get them more worked up. If you’re lucky, the argument may turn into a discussion or even better a dialogue.

At that point you can say, “Can we brainstorm now to see if we can each get something we need in case neither of us can get everything we want?” This question originally appeared on Quora – the place to gain and share knowledge, empowering people to learn from others and better understand the world. Follow me on Twitter . Check out my website .

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