When people tell me I need more ‘mom friends,’ they’re just adding to my never-ending to-do list

Courtesy of Laura Donovan I’m a mom of two boys, ages 4 and almost 2. We moved from Los Angeles to Oregon, and at first, everyone told me I needed to get “mom friends. ” Meeting other moms is stressful to me and adds more to my plate, which is already full.

  When I moved from Los Angeles to Oregon, almost everyone urged me to make “mom friends. ” Relocating is widely considered one of the most stressful experiences a person can have, so this constant reminder to form relationships felt more like an edict than a gentle suggestion. It’s also a task I’m just now starting to fulfill, a year into living in my new home.

I’ve had so many other things to prioritize as a full-time mom of two boys, ages 4 and almost 2.  It’s easy to tell moms that they need companionship, just as it’s easy to urge parents to carve out time for date nights, even though all the planning that goes into a single evening out is most likely going to fall on Mom. I’ve gotten phone numbers from local mothers who want to socialize, but rounding up the kids during a time that doesn’t interfere with naps, school, or work is another feat entirely.

It’s also hard to have a meaningful conversation when you’re trying to keep your kids safe in unfamiliar settings. To get together without the kids present — something to strive for but not in the cards for a long time — I’d have to do a lot of childcare coordination. My oldest is autisticI’m also wary of “getting the kids together” with new mom acquaintances because I have no idea how each interaction is going to play out.

My 4-year-old son, who was diagnosed with autism-spectrum disorder six months ago, is verbal but doesn’t speak much unless he’s comfortable. He recently named a friend from class for the first time since we moved to Oregon. Learning that this child was real and not a character from one of my boy’s favorite shows gave me so much hope.

But when we went to his buddy’s house, my child fell apart. He was confused about the location, which he seemed to believe was some secret portal to school and that he’d been tricked into going on a weekend. He screamed for about 20 minutes, until we all retreated outside and jumped into the pool.

Everyone moved on, but I think our new friends were startled by such a dramatic entrance.  He can be unpredictable in public, too. I never know when a flying insect or the sight of a statue might upset him so much that he’ll attempt to run into a busy street.

When I see moms and dads casually conversing as their kids roam freely on play structures, I feel a pang of envy because I can’t safely stand back yet.  I’ve become closer to grandmothers than other momsThankfully, my son’s friend and his family are more than happy to keep seeing us. I’ve also connected with some grandmothers after chance meetings at the park, in baby music class, and even at the gym.

Moms my age are in the same boat as I am, and it’s sometimes just too depressing to trade horror stories about sleeping wars, potty training failures, and tantrums while these aspects of our lives are still so fresh and will be for quite some time.  When people told me to find my “mom circle,” I think they imagined something a lot different from what I’m cultivating. The moms I like most are calming company because their kids are grown.

I guess I’m looking for proof that it’s possible to get to the other side of parental fatigue, that you can make it out relaxed enough to want to help raise your grandkids and assure young moms that they’re doing just fine. Read the original article on Insider.