Samantha Lee/InsiderCrystal Cox/Insider When one partner sets conditions in a relationship, it can lead to resentment. Work with a therapist to understand your values, goals, and needs to see if they align with your partner. You should also consider how your decision will affect your young daughter.
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Dear Julia,My partner and I are in our mid-to-late twenties. We have a four-year-old together and my partner has a good job. I stay at home with our little one to take her to school because he’s on a rotating roster where no week is the same, ever.
We’ve been together six years now, and have talked about getting engaged more recently. He told me has some prerequisites before he even considers getting engaged: He wants me to work full-time, to start getting my drivers license, and to get fit. (I’m not over weight by any means, I’m actually the opposite and would consider myself skinny.
) Since this conversation happened, I haven’t felt happy at all. We’ve always been quite good together, other than a few tiffs here and there. I’ve looked for work, but because I’ve been out action for so long, nobody wants me.
My partner’s work schedule doesn’t help, nor does school times. I also have a massive fear of being in a car. I’m receiving professional help for this fear, but for now, I walk everywhere and he drives if we need it.
Marriage is a big thing for me, since I consider it the best way to show commitment and love. I feel so lost because my partner wants all of these things. I just don’t know.
Where do I go from here?Dear Australia,I’m sorry that you’re feeling confused about how to move forward in your relationship. To me, it seems you view marriage as an extension of the love you have for your partner. Now that he’s putting conditions on that love, it feels, well, conditional.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean you should bend to his requests, or that doing so will get you the marriage you want. In fact, getting into any relationship where there are conditions at play is “generally a bad idea,” therapist Susan Winter told me. “If you’re getting into a relationship where you’re being dictated to do certain things that aren’t you, or you don’t actually believe it’s necessary, then you have to wonder what else it will indicate in the relationship over time,” Winter said.
These demands can also lead to resentment. For now, you should take your partner’s conditions as a sign it’s time to evaluate your personal values and needs, and consider whether marriage is the best next step for your relationship. Understand your values and dreams, and share them with your partnerAccording to Winter, partners should share their values and life dreams with each other as soon as they can.
This way, they can understand their compatibility and decide if it’s something that could work for them long-term. To tap into your needs and goals, Winter suggested meeting with a therapist if you can. You can discuss your values, like marriage and how you want to raise your daughter, and pinpoint personal milestones you want to reach, like traveling to a place you’ve always wanted to go, or working a job you’ve admired.
This self-discovery period will help you pinpoint areas where you’re willing to compromise in your relationship, and areas where you’re not willing to budge. Perhaps you’ll learn you want to get over your fear of driving because of the independence it could afford you. Or maybe you just don’t see the point in driving, and don’t think overcoming that fear is worth your while when you could walk.
No matter what you decide you need, it’s important it comes from yourself, not your partner, said Winter. A shared child could complicate your decisionI’m sure this has already weighed on you, but you should also consider how your child factors into your decision. This means you may have to compromise with your partner in areas you wouldn’t otherwise, according to Winter.
Though it can be difficult, asking yourself how you’d handle certain child-related outcomes can provide clarity. Winter suggested you imagine different relationship and parenting scenarios, like being married after you meet your husband’s conditions, or ending the relationship and co-parenting your daughter. Think of how they’d affect your daughter’s childhood and your life, and feel how each scenario sits with you.
You won’t know what to do over night, and that’s OK. Like you said, marriage is a commitment. It, and the life you want to build within it, deserve the same level of attentiveness.
So take your time in considering all of the options, while remembering the conditions-free commitment you seek is out there. As Insider’s resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. Related coverage from Doing It Right:I watch humiliation porn, and I’m afraid I’ll act on it in real life.
Should I be concerned?I live with my boyfriend and best friend, and I’ve fallen in love with her. How do I tell them?I got drunk and cheated while my partner and I were on a break. Do I have to tell him?My partner neglects our sex life, but always masturbates.
Is there any way to fix this dry spell?Read the original article on Insider.
From: insider
URL: https://www.insider.com/relationship-advice-weight-loss-partner-wont-marry-unless-get-job-2022-6
